if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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