Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
