the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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