I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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