Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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