You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
