I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
