R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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