just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
