In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
