he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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