I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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