You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
