When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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