Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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