is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
