The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
