i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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