Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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