I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
