I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
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My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
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I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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