yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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