shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
