she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
