So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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