I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
