First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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