I think scott just propositioned me for sex
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
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