she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
