apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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