I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
