we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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