I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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