He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
