Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
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i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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