I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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