I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He did a backflip because drugs
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