I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
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I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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