Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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