bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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