I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
