i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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