apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Randomize
