Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): View more from Missouri

Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

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(314): Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was. (314): Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night.. http://tfl.nu/wswl

Replies (74) Good night (1413) Bad night (6318)
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(706): View more from Georgia

the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.

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(706): the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not. http://tfl.nu/av9b

Replies (10) Good night (5496) Bad night (668)
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(479): View more from Arkansas

i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.

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(479): i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for. http://tfl.nu/5iul

Replies (22) Good night (3323) Bad night (620)
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(234): View more from Ohio

if we break up, who will get the dealer?

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(234): if we break up, who will get the dealer? http://tfl.nu/k5oc

Replies (8) Good night (1439) Bad night (4390)
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(503): View more from Oregon

I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

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(503): I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it http://tfl.nu/jqdj

Replies (12) Good night (1314) Bad night (4824)
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(347): View more from New York

Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.

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(347): Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes. http://tfl.nu/qm7s

Replies (12) Good night (2446) Bad night (1415)
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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.

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(303): I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever. http://tfl.nu/ptta

Replies (17) Good night (4173) Bad night (3804)
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...

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(484): he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car... http://tfl.nu/7kdq

Replies (5) Good night (2475) Bad night (1275)
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(270): View more from Kentucky

how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."

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(270): how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards." http://tfl.nu/tgkg

Replies (6) Good night (1778) Bad night (592)
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(207): View more from Maine

It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.

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(207): It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast. http://tfl.nu/cal2

Replies (8) Good night (916) Bad night (427)
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(208): View more from Idaho

Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.

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(208): Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea. http://tfl.nu/vb43

Replies (7) Good night (1019) Bad night (585)
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(954): View more from Florida

in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.

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(954): in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine. http://tfl.nu/pi7u

Replies (2) Good night (857) Bad night (369)
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(330): View more from Ohio

MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

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(330): MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. (216): I'll be there in 20 with vodka. http://tfl.nu/ar06

Replies (5) Good night (1280) Bad night (391)
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(662): View more from Mississippi

Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?

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(662): Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you? http://tfl.nu/ngi1

Replies (1) Good night (495) Bad night (238)
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(530): View more from California

I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "

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(530): I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. " http://tfl.nu/24zo

Replies (5) Good night (627) Bad night (240)

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