Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds