omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
did i walk over a car last night?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
