i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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