OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
