Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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