How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
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