I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
