my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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