i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
