I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How does it feel to date your dad?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
