In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
