so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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