thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
