so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
