If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
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I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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