Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
this will be a night to untag.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
