fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
