Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
