So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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